Arnold's Last Stand

I remember the first two Arnold Schwarzenegger films I ever saw in theatres: Total Recall and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Previous to that, I'd only seen his films on home video. Both times were insane experiences. I had to endure two hour lineups in the days when there were still lineups to see movies. The theatres were packed both times and the lineup to see the next showing was even bigger than the one I was in. People were talking to complete strangers about their favorite Arnold films.

That's when I got how big of a movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger was. For over two decades, he was been the defacto iconic image as well as the living embodiment of an action film star. A literal part of pop film culture in his heyday. Everyone can name a famous Arnold film they really like. Predator. Commando. The Running Man. True Lies. The Terminator series.

Fast forward to the present. My friend Jason and I at his prodding went to see his alleged comeback film whose ironically metaphorical title could not have been more appropriate: The Last Stand. There was no lineup. The theatre was completely empty. If not for the three latecomers, Jason and I would've been the only two people watching the film. My but how far the mighty have fallen.

In the film, Arnold plays an aging sheriff who patrols the tiny Texas border town that is all that stands between justice and a clean getaway to Mexico for an infamous drug lord who is speeding towards the border in a souped up car.

The film actually wasn't that bad. It certainly wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. It was, however, one of the biggest mistakes ever committed to celluloid -- or rather, digital film. Every possible wrong decision that could be made for a film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was made -- starting with the casting of Arnold himself.

Why? Because the main character of the film is a burned out former LA police drug task force officer who's seen too much and feels old and just wants some peace and quiet as the sheriff of a sleepy little town. That's Liam Neeson. That's Morgan Freeman. That's not Arnold "I'll be back" Schwarzenegger.

That's not a criticism of his acting skills, either. He actually did a very good acting job in the role. That's irrelevant. The audience that remembers him doesn't want to see him beaten down and worn out. They want to see him spout off one-liners while beating, shooting and blowing the shit out of bad guys, alien Predators and Terminator robots from the future.

What they didn't want to see Arnold literally proclaiming out loud "I'm old" as he does in this movie.  That reminds the audience that remembers Arnold in his heyday that they're old too. (Um, please forget the bit above I wrote about seeing two of his biggest films in theatres please.) That tells the Twilight-loving audience that couldn't give a damn who he is and what type of  film he is famous for that he is irrelevant to them.

Like I said, the film wasn't bad. It was extremely well-directed and co-stars Forest Whittaker -- a freakin' Best Actor Oscar winner! -- and  Jaime Alexander as well as Arnold himself gave far greater acting performances than the film actually deserved. I am actually a bit of a fan of Alexander's and am sorry this film won't do more to help her career. She really does deserve to be a lead actress.

In case it wasn't clear from the tone of this blog entry, the film was a huge box-office bomb. It cost $45 million to make, opened the second week of January and made just $6.7 million on its opening weekend. By the end of its second week, it had plummeted to 16th place and made just $11 million at the North American box office according to the Box Office Mojo website.

I don't think this movie failed because it was a bad movie. I don't even think it failed because it was an "Arnold movie." I believe it failed because it was an Arnold movie done in 2013 that should've been done in his heyday in the 80's. And if it had, it probably would've been one of his biggest films ever.

But this is a new era. An era where Twi-hards and geeks now make up the core filmgoing audience. Harry Potter, Edward and Bella and The Avengers rule now. RIP Mr. Schwarzenegger. Your time has passed now and you have truly made your last stand.

Who Sank Universal Studio's Battleship?

Battleship is out in theatres this weekend. It's an actual honest to goodness big budget movie based upon the old Hasbro children’s game. The one where you call out points on  a grid and mark your hits and misses with red and white pegs. Someone -- well actually several people -- over at Universal Studios thought this was somehow a good enough idea for a $200 million budgeted film. Seriously.

Then they realized it wasn’t a very good idea at all. In fact, it was actually a really bad one. So they decided to make the film the naval equivalent of Transformers by making it about humans and their battleships against giant alien seafaring Transformers -- er, Battleships. Seriously.

Then they decided to follow the Michael Bay Transformers model of filmmaking by casting a hot but talentless swimsuit model instead of an actual competent actress as the female lead so they can show offer her cleavage, butt and legs while she thinks she’s showing off her acting chops. Plus some other male actors. And Rihanna. Seriously.

Then they decided they’d better put in some real actors and somehow got the great Alexander Skarsgard and the even greater LIAM freakin’ NEESON into the movie. Seriously.

Then they realized that with their inevitable horrid reviews (36% on Rotten Tomatoes as of this writing) and the North American opening still close to The Avengers that they would be crushed at the box office so they opened around the rest of the world first and amazingly managed to make $220 million worldwide and recover the movie’s budget so every  penny made stateside is now pure profit. Seriously.

Well the movie opened this past Thursday at midnight and earned a paltry $420,000 in North America which doesn’t bode well at all for its future as The Avengers is going to end up the number one North American movie for the third week in a row and looks to make a record $55 million in its third weekend, which would be yet another record-setter for the unstoppable superheroes. Both of these movies cost upwards of $200 million. The Avengers has already made a billion worldwide. Battleship will be lucky to pull in whatever profit it can this weekend and will sink right after.

Who sank your Battleship, Universal? Marvel’s The Avengers did.At lesat you have company in with Dark Shadows and The Dictator going down with you to the bottom of the box office ocean.

The Rise and Fall of Grey's Anatomy -- A Season Eight Finale Post-Mortem

Well, the season eight finale of Grey’s Anatomy came and went exactly as I thought it would – Lexie Grey met her end in order to help pay for the renewed contracts of original series stars Patrick Dempsey, Ellen Pompeo, Chandra Wilson, Sandra Oh, James Picket Jr.,  and Justin Chambers. Thus, this once vibrant and iconic show is reduced to using the old “death of a main character” TV trope – again -- to gain publicity and ratings. My, how the mighty have fallen.

Once a must-see, talk about in the office the next morning type of show, Grey’s Anatomy has fallen from an astonishingly high 20 million+ viewers an episode in its initial seasons to an average of 11 million an episode. It also holds the distinction of being the single most DVR-ed American network show – which tellingly indicates it is no longer must-see TV for about half of its core audience anymore. So what brought this once-mighty TV titan down?

Castle: Always (S4.23) - Caskett Lives!

May 8, 2012

First off, interesting that the couple name actually has something to do with murder mysteries (Caskett = funeral casket). Just sayin’.

Second, that was half of a fantastic season finale. Oddly, just like The Avengers, the greatness from the characters interacting covered up a really thin plot but who really cares? It was great! So much to love in this finale:

·         “I’ve been waiting four years for you to see that I’m more than just a partner.” Swoon. Platonically, of course, ‘cause I’m a guy. A bro. A man’s man. Great speech.
·         The acting during the laying bare of the secrets. It could’ve easily been bombastic and over the top but instead it just all came out naturally
·         The kiss, of course, and the hand grabbing leading to the bedroom presumably
·         The split between Ryan and Esposito based solely on professional and completely valid differences of opinion and was totally believable; I liked that Ryan was the only voice of reason but the way he was acting made me wonder if his character had also been contacted like Castle and struck a deal to protect Kate
·         Gates justifiably giving Esposito and Beckett crap for withholding info and going off as rogue cowboys

Oh Boy, Did They Ever Assemble...

May 7, 2012

In case you hadn’t heard yet on the news, Avengers made an astonishing $200 million estimated opening weekend, and when the final accurate numbers are released, it’s going to be higher than that. Much higher. The scary thing is that for all the presumptions that the John Carter debacle had literally lost Disney all the profit from The Avengers, the fact is that The Avengers will indeed blow away that $150 million writeoff loss because every single penny the movie makes from this day forward is pure profit as the $200 million budget has already been made. 

This weekend’s record, BTW, also leaves The Dark Knight, Harry Potter 7 Part 2, The Hunger Games and that Twilight piece of crap’s opening weekends in the dust. It also set the record for highest Saturday ever of $70 million in a single day and fastest ever to $200 million. It may also become the fastest to $1 billion depending on what the dropoff is like. 

I’ve gotta be honest, when I went to see it with the little nieces and nephews, we saw a 3:50 2D showing and the theatre was half full which shocked me. This led me to believe that Avengers would not be as big as I initially believed it would. However, we exited the show as the 7PM showings started and I noticed long lineups to get in. Now as for the film itself:

Avengers Re-Assembling...?

May 8, 2012

There is now talk that The Avengers is going to do another record by hauling in $100+ million in its second week of playing in theatres, which would be another new box-office record! Apparently, there were a LOT of people who couldn't make it into the showings this weekend. IMAX is reporting they literally didn't have enough seating capacity to meet demand on opening weekend just past. I can also personally vouch for this, as I spoke to people at my gym who told me that they literally could not get in to see it at more than one theatre during multiple tries over the weekend including trying for both matinees and weekends.

I'm thinking now my half-empty theatre in Montreal was a fluke because the French translation may have pulled in people away from English theaters as well.

OMFG! AVENGERS CUPCAKES!!!

I. Must. Make. These!!!!!!!

http://www.superherohype.com/gallery/the-avengers/gallery1988/142925-gallery19881